S.G. Browne, the author of Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament, sat down recently with several of the stars of Breathers for a little Q&A:
Jerry: How about a little T&A instead, dude? (snickers)
Andy: Don’t mind Jerry. He has a permanent, post-mortem erection.
Jerry: Terminal boner. Popular with the ladies.
S.G.: (ignoring Jerry) So what’s it like to be a zombie?
Andy: Not that much different than working for corporate America. Except you don’t earn a paycheck. And you have to worry about getting infested with maggots…
Tom: And fraternity pledges dismember you. (massages his empty right arm socket)
Andy: Yeah, there’s that.
S.G.: When did you first realize you were no longer among the living?
Jerry: At my funeral. Totally freaked out my parents. I’ve got the video if you want to watch.
Tom: When I woke up in the mortuary and the mortician was packing my external body cavities with autopsy gel.
Jerry: Dude.
S.G.: What do you miss most about being a Breather?
Jerry: Getting laid.
Andy: Going out to dinner and a movie.
Tom: Sitting around a beach bonfire without having to worry if someone’s going to throw me into it.
S.G.: Do you believe in God?
Andy: When you can smell your own rotting flesh, it tends to put the kibosh on your belief in the existence of a supreme being.
S.G.: How fast do you decompose?
Andy: We were all embalmed prior to reanimating, which helps to slow decomposition down to a crawl. Still, without a regular formaldehyde fix, it’s only a matter of weeks until your organs turn to chicken soup.
S.G.: What are your favorite foods?
Jerry: Bacon, dude. You can never have too much bacon.
Tom: I’m a vegetarian.
S.G.: I thought zombies were flesh-eating monsters with an insatiable appetite for brains.
Andy: That’s just Hollywood propaganda. Most zombies are too busy trying to deal with a rapidly digesting pancreas or keeping their tissues from liquefying to be obsessed with eating the brains of some uptight Breather.
S.G.: Speaking of Hollywood, I understand the film rights to Breathers were purchased by FOX Searchlight Pictures? Do you think they’ll portray zombies in a positive light?
Andy: FOX Searchlight has a pretty good track record and the film’s being co-produced by Mason Novick and Diablo Cody, so I’m pretty hopeful.
Jerry: Diablo Cody. She’s totally hot.
S.G.: Is there anything else you’d like to share?
Andy: Zombies are people, too.
Tom: I miss my arm.
Jerry: Dude, you got any Playboys?
