Undead Anonymous

Post Mortem

Is UA For You?

For the recently reanimated, getting used to your undeath can be a challenge.  In addition to the stigma associated with spontaneous resurrection and the constant threats of dismemberment and immolation by a society that no longer considers you human, there are a number of physical challenges that most new zombies aren’t prepared to face.  Like the emotional fallout from a rapidly digesting pancreas, the embarrassment of having one of your main body cavities burst open, or the frustration of trying to keep your tissues from liquefying.  Just to name a few.

At Undead Anonymous, we’re here to help.

Sponsored by the Department of Resurrection and the SPCA, Undead Anonymous offers a safe, nurturing environment for zombies to gather.  Whether you’ve died in a car accident, been stabbed to death, beaten to death, mauled by dogs, committed suicide, choked on your own vomit, or just plain died of a heart attack, at Undead Anonymous, you’ll find the guidance you need to navigate your new existence.

And you don’t have to worry about being ridiculed by any Breathers.  Every UA meeting is moderated by a member of the undead community, fully trained and licensed to help you to accept your reanimation.  At Undead Anonymous, you will learn how to believe in yourself, to never give up, and that hope is not a four-letter word.  And in the warmth of the community of others who have survived death, you will learn that you are not alone.

So join us at Undead Anonymous, get to know some of your fellow zombies, and discover that there is life after undeath.

S.G. Browne, Founder

Undead Commandments

Below are a list of rules the undead have to follow in order to co-exist with the living.  You should familiarize yourself with them in order to avoid unpleasant conflicts and to decrease the chances of being sent off to the County Redistribution Center.

You will not disturb the living
You will not stay out after curfew
You will not commit necrophilia
You will not covet your neighbor’s flesh
You will not dishonor your host guardians
You will not commit acts of civil disobedience
You will not develop on-line personalities
You will not visit cemeteries during the day
You will not take public transportation
You will not decompose on government property



At Undead Anonymous, we’re not ashamed of who we are.  We are zombies.  The living dead.  And proud of it.  But we are so much more than that.  We are unique individuals with our own stories to tell.  We are survivors of death.  Below are testimonials from some of our survivors.

Andy (36-year-old car accident survivor)

I don’t remember my death.  I don’t even remember falling asleep at the wheel of my car.  I just remember driving home from a dinner party and the next thing I know, I’m waking up on a table in the mortuary three days later, getting my external body cavities packed with autopsy gel.

It took some time to accept what happened to me.  To accept the fact that I had spontaneously resurrected.  That’s what the so-called experts call it.  Spontaneous resurrection.  As if they know what it’s like to be a reanimated corpse.  To wake up and realize you have no rights.  To suffer the indignities of a society that reviles your existence.  To be able to smell your own rotting flesh.

Undead Anonymous changed all that.

In Undead Anonymous, I have learned to accept my reality, to never give up, and to find my purpose. I learned that I have a right to exist.  While there were other factors that helped me to embrace my zombie-ness, without Undead Anonymous and the friends I made because of it, I would have spent the bulk of my existence decomposing passively in my parents’ wine cellar.

Rita (23-year-old suicide survivor)
I still remember how alone I felt, how hopeless, an outcast of society.  With no friends, no community, no sense of belonging.  I remember watching the blood pool on the floor around me, how I felt my strength ebbing, the life draining away from me, knowing that I’d succeeded in ending my loneliness.  Only to wake up two days later on the mortician’s table and realize I’d been cheated out of death.

At first I felt like even more of a failure.  I couldn’t even kill myself properly.  But then I joined Undead Anonymous and learned to believe in myself.  To believe that I’d come back for a reason.  And that even in undeath, I can find a reason to hope.

So even though I’m still an outcast among the living, because of Undead Anonymous, I don’t feel alone anymore.

Jerry (21-year-old car accident survivor)
What happened to me?  A fifth of Jack Daniel’s, half a dozen bong hits, no seatbelt, and a utility pole sent me through the windshield of my 1974 cherry red Charger and skidding along the asphalt head first.  That’s what happened.  Total bummer.  I don’t remember anything after hitting the ground, until I woke up a few days later during my own funeral.  Mom and Dad kinda freaked out at first.  But now they’re cool with me being a zombie and all.

Everyone else pretty much sucks, though.  Breathers, I mean.  My buddies never call anymore, this chick I used to date has totally blown me off, and those Sigma Chi pricks are always trying to dismember me.  Assholes.

Then I met these other zombies at Undead Anonymous and they all, like, totally accepted me, road rash and all.  Some of them are even worse off than me, though I’m the only one who reanimated with a permanent erection.

Dude, do you have any idea what it’s like to walk around with a boner twenty-four/seven and not be able to get off?  It sucks.  Out loud.  But at least it’s kinda cool that I can touch my own brain.