Ask Andy – I’m Turning Zombie
Welcome back to another installment of Ask Andy, where you ask a zombie what’s it like, well, to be a zombie. And hopefully, I can answer it.
This week’s question comes from Colleen, who asks:
What was it like to turn into a zombie?
Well, as you might imagine, there was a lot of initial shock and denial, not to mention discomfort. Waking up to discover that you’re a zombie takes a lot of getting used to on its own. It doesn’t help when you’re wearing a skin-tight plastic body suit and your body cavities are packed to prevent leakage. Sure, it helps to keep things from getting messy, but only if you stay dead. You ever tried to evacuate autopsy gel? It’s not something you ever want to see on YouTube.
Physically, I didn’t notice anything right away. I still thought I was alive. I still felt like me. You take breathing and having a pulse for granted, so they’re not something you miss right away because you’re not looking for them. You just expect them to be there. But once you notice they’re gone, you tend to dwell on the fact that they’re never coming back.
Emotionally…well, you can never really prepare for reanimating as a living corpse. Living. What does that even mean to a zombie? The life you once knew is all around you. You can see it and hear it and smell it. If you’re lucky you can even taste it and touch it. But that doesn’t mean you can participate in it. Like your breath and your heatbeat, that’s gone for good, too.
I’m getting melancholy again…
I’m going to go watch The Daily Show, now.
