Undead Anonymous

Ask Andy – UK Blues

Rachel from Birmingham, UK, asks:

Andy help me! I have been reanimated on a plane going back to dear old England. I am in Birmingham in a night cafe using the Internet and I need to find my family! What should I do? Cardboard boxes are the last place I need under the Spaghetti Junction!

Well Rachel, that sounds like an unusual situation you’ve found yourself in. Reanimating on a plane is considered an international crime, so I applaud you for managing to navigate the challenges of air travel and customs in your new (and improved) state. The fact that you’ve gained access to an Internet cafe deserves applause, as well. Here in the United States, zombies aren’t allowed access to public venues, not to mention the Internet.

As for finding your family, I’m not sure I can help you with that. Perhaps it would help if you could remember where you lost them. So I’d start there. And having never been to Birmingham, I’m presuming the Spaghetti Junction you mention isn’t an Italian restaurant but rather the infamous M6 interchange. I can certainly understand your reluctance to go into hiding beneath that. But with the resourcefulness you’ve exhibited to this point, I don’t think you’ll have to resort to setting up a cardboard home.

I would suggest getting hold of some industrial strength formaldehyde to slow the effects of decomposition. If you can’t get to a mortuary, then I’d suggest consuming some of your favorite cosmetic products, common household cleaners, or Alberto VO5 Hair Conditioner. I’m not fond of the taste, but the formaldehyde content is pretty tough to beat.

Keep your chin up! And the rest of your body parts, too.

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