Undead Anonymous

Ask Andy – Southern Hospitality

Frank from somewhere-in-the-south asks:

What would your suggestion be to fellow zombies trying to etch out a life in the south? It’s really humid here and homeless are scarce in the country. Moonshine seems to slow the decay but it’s hard to find work when you smell like Charlie Sheen waking up in a dumpster.

Well Frank, having resurrected on the west coast, I don’t have any first-hand experience with the challenges of being a zombie in the south. But since heat and humidity tend to speed up decomposition, the first thing you’ll want to do is to get thick with your local mortician. You need industrial strength formaldehyde and you need it fast. Moonshine and cosmetic products will only go so far at warding off the rapid decay of your body. See if you can set up some kind of a payment plan if you have access to any money. Or better yet, do a trade. Maybe offer to bring him more business for a weekly formaldehyde fix.

As for employment, I don’t know about the southern states, but zombies in California aren’t allowed to hold jobs. So the best I can suggest is to find some zombie-friendly businesses and do some freelance work. Try telemarketing. Or phone sex. That way you don’t have to worry about how you smell.

If all else fails, then just embrace your zombie-ness, get yourself some cooking oil and tasty seasoning, and start chowing down on some good southern-fried cooking.

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