This installment of Ask Andy comes from Anthony, who asks:
Will you be back in another great novel?
Well Anthony, if I had my way I would, but I have to leave that up to the so-called creator of my world, the author of Breathers, who at this point is non-committal about whether or not there’s a sequel. According to him, if he can come up with something fresh and original, something that doesn’t just seem like a derivative of Breathers, then he’d be willing to consider it.
But from what I’ve heard, he’s just sold his second novel and as far as I know, I’m not in it. Some other guy named Fabio is the main character and is apparently the immortal personification of Fate. I guess a reanimated corpse wasn’t good enough anymore. Whatever. I guess I’ll just sit around and twiddle my thumb and wait for the phone to ring.
Would a living person be welcome (as a guest, not a snack) at a UA meeting? Would they be welcomed with open arms, or open jaws?
At least once a month, the Breather liaison from the County Department of Resurrection stops by to check in on us and make sure we’re behaving and decomposing like good little zombies. While we resent the fact that the county sends a Breather to monitor our meetings and behavior, we still do our best to make them feel welcome. But for some reason, the living seem to be more uncomfortable around us than we are around them. It doesn’t help when Naomi puts her cigarette out in her empty eye socket or when Tom constantly fingers the loose flaps of skin on his face.
But to answer your question more directly, yes, they would be welcome. All we ask is for the opportunity to have a dialogue with Breathers so that they can understand who we are and what we desire. The liaison is simply there to observe, not listen, so there’s not a whole lot of give and take with them. But if we could get a reporter or a police officer or a member of the PTA to attend our meetings so that we could have an honest conversation with them, they would be welcome with open arms.
Of course, most Breathers tend to run away screaming when a zombie comes walking toward them with a big smile on his face and his arms open for a hug. Oh well.
This week’s question comes courtesy of Eleni, who asks:
Hannibal Lecter enjoyed human kidneys w/ a side of lima beans and a glass of Chianti. Do you enjoy a similar dish?
Actually, I’ve never been much of a fan of legumes, though they are a good source of fiber. Give me a good arugula salad with sliced pears and asiago cheese. And I’m more of a rib man myself. Personally, I would pair a nice Bordeaux when serving internal organs. Chianti goes better with Breather bolognese, but to each his own.
Dave, who writes from his parents’ wine cellar somewhere, asks:
How hard was it for you to adjust to your new friends at UA? Is it hard coping with other Walkers(Zombies)?
Well Dave, when I staggered into my first Undead Anonymous meeting, it was a bit of a shock. Carl picking at the stab wounds in his face, Naomi with her empty right eye socket and sagging face, Tom playing with the loose flaps of his cheeks. I know I was worse off than all of them put together but still, spending two hours a night twice a week with animated, decomposing corpses isn’t something you ever really plan on fitting into your social calendar.
But the thing is, we were all connected by the same experience. By the same stigma. To use one of Helen’s euphemisms, we were all survivors. It didn’t take long for me to get used to them. To be honest, I had a harder time adjusting to myself. If you’ve never woken up in the middle of the night to the overwhelming stench of wet, mildewing garbage only to realize that the stench is coming from you, then you probably wouldn’t understand.
So the short answer is that it didn’t take long for me to accept my new friends. In fact, I would say that other than my wife and daughter, the members of Undead Anonymous are the closest thing I have to family. Actually, they are my family.
For some reason, there’s this misconception that all zombies crave brains. This is just more Hollywood propaganda meant to make us look like the archetypal monsters they want you to believe we are.
First of all, brains are extremely difficult to get to. All of those movies and videos with zombies cracking open skulls with their hands and fingers. I mean, come on. Can you crack open a skull with your bare hands? Try doing it with decomposing tendons. And biting into a skull like this guy at the end of this video:
Please. You have any idea how hard a human skull is? You ever try cracking open a cooked crab with your teeth? Not gonna happen. Now throw in the fact that your gums are rotting and your teeth are one missed formaldehyde fix from becoming a souvenir for some lucky Breather, and maybe you can see my point.
By the way, most zombies who’ve been around for a while are on a strict soft food diet. It’s not uncommon to see older reanimated corpses eating baby food.
Personally, I really love Cinnabons and Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Though occasionally I like a nice pulled pork and Breather sandwich.
When you’re dining out with a zombie and their ear falls off in their soup, is it considered proper etiquette to point it out to them?
Dining etiquette is always a touchy subject when it comes to the undead.
What’s an appropriate finger food? How do you handle a dinner guest with leaky orifices? And should you serve a Cabernet or a Pinot Noir with your mother’s broiled ribs?
These dilemmas aside, when it comes to spontaneous dismemberment at the dinner table, it can be quite embarrassing for both parties. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news. But much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mayonnaise on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper to let someone know when their ear has fallen into their soup. Unless of course you’re out at a five star restaurant and looking for a good lawsuit.
Dane Zomboy Patrick from the cyber land of Yahoo! asks:
Do you guys ever have any problems with parts falling off? My left arm keeps dropping to the ground?
Yes Dane, parts falling off is a common problem among zombies and a constant source of embarrassment and shame. Imagine the humiliation of impotence, only instead of not being able to become physically aroused, your uncooperative member falls off.
While I personally haven’t suffered the indignity of spontaneous dismemberment, as it’s called in the community, I know a number of zombies who have had to seek counseling to deal with the emotional fallout. And if that’s not bad enough, fraternities often send their pledges on scavenger hunts for zombie appendages.
As for the problem with your arm, I suggest suturing it in place or even using a staple gun. But if the flesh at the point of attachment has started to turn and the sutures just keep tearing out, then you might want to try some duct tape.
Has there been any talk from Hollywood about turning your memoirs into a feature film? I know I’m just dying to see it. Who do you think could “breathe” unlife into you the best?
Actually, yes. There has been talk of turning my memoirs into a feature film. More than just talk. Fox Searchlight Films, a division of 20th Century Fox, has acquired the film rights to Breathers to be co-produced by Diablo Cody and Mason Novick, with Geoff Latulippe on board to write the screenplay.
They’re pretty cool for a trio of Breathers, though I haven’t met Diablo Cody yet. Whenever I bring it up, Rita gets upset. I get the feeling she’s a little jealous.
As for who could “breathe” unlife into me on the silver screen? I’m sure there are a number of quality Breathers out there I’m leaving off the list, but I don’t get to the movies much since we’re not allowed in movie theaters and my parents didn’t splurge for On-Demand.
Still, I could see Jason Segel or Jake Gyllenhaal playing me. Anne Hathaway could play Rita, with James Franco as Jerry. I’d love to see Christopher Walken as Ray. Or maybe Steve Buscemi, though he could play Carl or Tom. And I think Bruce Campbell would be great as my dad.
Which makes me wonder, who do YOU think should play me or Rita or Jerry or anyone else in the film version of Breathers?
Andy, do you floss regularly? What does a zombie do about halitosis?
Good question, Tom. Most Breathers tend to think that once you become a member of the walking undead, all of your personal grooming habits get tossed out with the bathwater. Which is actually not something I’ve ever done, but it’s the first metaphor that popped into my rotting brain, so I went with it.
To be honest, I wasn’t much into dental care when I was a Breather. Kind of took the whole flossing thing a bit lightly. But once your become a zombie and you realize that if your teeth fall out there isn’t a dental hygienist in the county who’s willing to go anywhere near your mouth, you tend to develop better habits. So yeah, I floss every day. Morning and evening. I prefer the Johnson and Johnson mint waxed floss, though dental tape can be more effective for cleaning between teeth that are not tightly spaced – a common problem for the undead.
As for halitosis, there’s not a lot zombies can do other than use a lot of mouth wash and eat a lot of breath mints. Jerry pops Altoids regularly, which seems to help, but honestly, when your internal organs are gradually liquefying, you just have to get used to the fact that you’re not going to go out on a lot of second dates.
Doug, a Breather from somewhere in California asks:
Do zombies go on vacation? If so, how do they get on the airplane? Isn’t that a Bio Hazard risk? Can zombies tan?
Well, Doug, the answer to your first question is NO. Zombies do not go on vacation. At least not on purpose. Sure, we get to spend some quality time at the zombie zoo, but not as spectators. Then there’s the occasional trip to the impact testing centers. And some of us do get to spend several weeks out of the year decomposing on the side of a hill at a forensic research facility in Tennessee. But that’s about as close as we get to Graceland. And of course, it’s a one-way ticket.
The only way zombies get on an airplane is in a body bag.
Bio Hazard risk? We’re not contagious. And unless you’re infested with maggots, chances are you’re not going to leave any parts of you behind. Unless, of course, you’re a Melter. But if you want to know the truth, some of us have better hygiene than Breathers. You ever ride a city bus, Doug?
And as far as I know, zombies don’t tan. Considering that our skin is already dried out, spending any time in direct sunlight, even with SPF 100, isn’t a good idea. We have enough physical challenges without having to contend with a sunburn. That and heat tends to speed up the process of decomposition. So we tend to seek out cooler climates.
