Undead Anonymous

Welcome back to another installment of Ask Andy, where you ask a zombie what’s it like, well, to be a zombie. And hopefully, I can answer it.

This week’s question comes from Colleen, who asks:

What was it like to turn into a zombie?

Well, as you might imagine, there was a lot of initial shock and denial, not to mention discomfort.  Waking up to discover that you’re a zombie takes a lot of getting used to on its own.  It doesn’t help when you’re wearing a skin-tight plastic body suit and your body cavities are packed to prevent leakage.  Sure, it helps to keep things from getting messy, but only if you stay dead.  You ever tried to evacuate autopsy gel?  It’s not something you ever want to see on YouTube.

Physically, I didn’t notice anything right away.  I still thought I was alive.  I still felt like me.  You take breathing and having a pulse for granted, so they’re not something you miss right away because you’re not looking for them.  You just expect them to be there.  But once you notice they’re gone, you tend to dwell on the fact that they’re never coming back.

Emotionally…well, you can never really prepare for reanimating as a living corpse.  Living.  What does that even mean to a zombie?  The life you once knew is all around you.  You can see it and hear it and smell it.  If you’re lucky you can even taste it and touch it.  But that doesn’t mean you can participate in it.  Like your breath and your heatbeat, that’s gone for good, too.

I’m getting melancholy again…

I’m going to go watch The Daily Show, now.

Lyndsay from the land of Yahoo! wonders:

Did you ever begin to resent breathers? Have you ever come across any breathers who sympathized with you?

Well, Lyndsay, considering that I killed and ate my parents, I’d have to say that the answer to your first question is a definite YES. Not to mention all of the verbal abuse and the discrimination and all of the times I was pelted with so much rotten food that I felt like a projection screen at a fraternity rush selection meeting.

As for your second question, the breathers who cared for me and my friends at the SPCA seemed to genuinely care about our plight.  Sometimes they would wear particle masks and gloves, which was kind of a passive/aggressive slap in the face, but for the most part they treated us with more respect than your average breather.

Thanks for the question!  Keep ‘em coming!

Dangermouse from the Zombie Watch Network wants to know:

Whats the best seasoning, sauce, or topping for a Breather’s brains?

A lot of zombies will tell you that the best way to eat Breather brains is raw, straight out of the freshly cracked skull, with nothing but a little cranial fluid for seasoning.  Others, those who are still getting used to the whole “eating human flesh” thing, will either overcook their brains or drown them in ketchup or barbecue sauce or Heinz 57.

While there’s nothing wrong with either of these approaches, as it’s all a matter of personal preference, I like my brains either sautéed in olive oil and garlic, or else seared and served with soy sauce and a nice wasabi aioli.

Hope that helps with your menu choices!

For this installment of Ask Andy, our question comes from Rachel, who wonders:

So, who tasted better?  Mom or Dad?

Well, this answer is fraught with all kinds of Freudian mine fields, isn’t it?

To be honest, I’d have to say that I preferred eating my mother.  You know, that just doesn’t sound good no matter how you try to gloss it over.

Oedipal references aside, the answer is Mom.  Dad internalized a lot of anger and resentment, not to mention the fact that he ate a lot of salty foods, all of which had a definite effect not only on how he tasted but on his overall quality.  A lot of gristle, tough and stringy, with a bitter, salty aftertaste.

Mom, on the other hand, had a sweet nature and never had a bad thing to say about anyone.  The result was a quality of meat that was more tender, more succulent, and had a nice, delicate flavor.

Um, I’m done with this question now.

Mandi from Yahooville asks:

Are there animals who become reanimated? If so, do they get harassed like human zombies?

As far as I know, there have been no accounts of animals reanimating like the canines in the Resident Evil series.  Most of the time, the animals I encounter either roll on me or use me as a scratching post.  But if there were zombie dogs or cats or gerbils, my guess is they would end up in zoos or hunted for sport or used to get rid of ex-boyfriends or clingy one-night stands.

Thanks for the question!

Emily and Alex were wondering:

Do Zombies play hockey?

Why did the referee stop the All Star Zombie hockey game?  Because there was a face-off in the corner.

To be honest, this joke was originally told with lepers instead of zombies, but I thought it was appropriate here because it rings with a certain amount of truth.  Zombies playing hockey would present a number of problems, not the least of which would be body parts falling off and getting caught up in the skates.  If you’ve never seen a hockey skate slice through a detached, decomposing ear, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

There’s also the dangers of high-sticking, slashing, and spearing which, when committed on a Breather, would only yield a two-minute minor penalty.  When committed on a zombie, however, you end up with detached eyeballs, maggot spills, and prematurely evacuated body cavities.

So no, zombies don’t tend to play hockey or any other high-impact, violent sports.  But we do enjoy a good game of checkers.

Thanks for the question.

This installment of Ask Andy comes from Nicole, who asks:

What do you think of that new show, LEAVE IT TO BREATHER? The whole premise of a breather kid raised by zombies makes me a little uneasy.

Well, Nicole, I have to admit I haven’t seen the show but I would have to say that it’s unlikely the series would have a very long run.

In addition to making you uneasy, the premise is completely ridiculous.  A Breather child raised by zombies wouldn’t last past its first birthday, if that long.  The desire for human flesh would override any parental sense of propriety or responsibility and the child would likely be raised for food rather than for a future.  Small children or infants would be tender.  Like veal.

I’m thinking crispy brown Breather Schnitzel, sagey saltimobocca, or a creamy blanquette de Breather.

Thanks for the question!

Ryan, a teenage zombie from the land of Yahoo!, asks:

As a fellow zombie, I’ve only, so far, been eating brains. I’ve lately been wanting to, uhh, expand my horizons, as it were, and I was wondering if you could recommend any of the juicier parts of the body. Thanks.

Well Ryan, personally I’ve always found brains to be a little soupy and messy and not worth the effort it takes to crack open the skull.  Plus there’s always the risk of mad Breather disease, so I tend to stick to the fleshier parts of the human body.

The main thing to remember when selecting a body part is that exercise and age toughen meat.  So using that as a guideline, the legs, neck, shoulder, butt, and flank will be far tougher than the seldom exercised rib and loin.  Old Breathers will be more sinewy than teenagers, especially the pampered ones, so it’s advisable to select a Breather that’s a couch potato under the age of 30.  Shopping in affluent neighborhoods is always a good rule of thumb, too.

My advice?  You can’t go wrong with ribs from an undergraduate at a private college.

Bon appetit!

Chris, from the wide wide world of AOL, asks:

I particularly loved the references to eating your parents. Thanks for the recipe tips, but you left out one of my favorites, Momloaf. What goes in it besides Mom? Thanks!

Well, your basic Momloaf recipes are all pretty much all the same: a pound of ground Breather, 2/3 cup milk, 1/2 cup cracker crumbs, 1/4 cup ketchup, 1/2 cup finely chopped onion, 1 tsp salt, 1/8 tsp black pepper, and one egg, beaten.  Mix it all together, form into a loaf, bake in a baking dish or loaf pan at 350 degrees for an hour, then slice and serve with mashed potatoes, green beans, and a nice central coast Pinot Noir.

Some recipes call for Worcestershire sauce, sage, garlic, or dry mustard, but that’s just showing off. If you want basic Momloaf the way, well, Mom used to make, then follow the recipe above.

Just remember that when selecting what portion of Breather to use, the shoulder cut, or chuck, makes the best all around ground Breather. It has just enough fat to make it juicy and provide an excellent natural flavor. Though if you want to go for the leaner option, meat taken from the thighs, or round, is a good choice for calorie counters.

Thanks for the question!

Samantha, from the wonderful world of AOL, asks:

I don’t get the whole problem between society and zombies. Can you explain a little bit more?

Well Samantha, the problem is that society as we all know it is ruled by the living.  By Breathers.  And Breathers tend to have a thing about subjugating and suppressing those members of it’s society that they feel are inferior to them.  Unfortunately for those who are not among the living, for those of us who are reanimated corpses, we have to endure the indignities of our existence by a society that no longer considers us human.

This includes being called names, pelted with expired food products, thrown into bonfires, tied up and dragged behind SUVs, randomly dismembered by fraternities and bowling leagues, and generally discriminated against.  Not to mention all of the basic rights that we’ve lost simply because we didn’t stay dead.  It’s not our fault we became zombies.  We didn’t choose this path.  But we’re punished for it because Breathers choose to react with fear to others they don’t understand.

Yes, I know.  There’s the issue of zombies eating human flesh, but really, if you think about it, we could be a benefit to society by targeting career politicians, CEO’s of oil companies, smokers who throw cigarettes out of their car windows, rapists, murderers, pedophiles, and professional athletes who lie about using steroids.  We’re also willing to work with the local and state agencies to help cut down on the cost of incarceration for career criminals or those condemned to death. It’s a lot less expensive to feed a serial killer to a zombie than it is to give him a lethal injection.

This is Andy, your friendly neighborhood zombie, signing off.