Undead Anonymous

They’re jackhammering again.

Across the street.  The never-ending Add-A-Garage project.  At least it’s been never-ending for the past year.  But honestly, they’ve installed the framework for the structure.  What the hell are they using a jackhammer for now?

Electric saws I can handle.  It’s white noise.  Freeway traffic.  Ocean waves rolling along the shore.

Hammers pounding?  Not a problem.  Distant tribal drums.  World music from a neighbor’s stereo.

But jackhammers are fingernails on a chalkboard connected to a Spartacus vibrator and pumped through Nigel Tufnel’s Marshall guitar amplifier.

Not exactly ideal conditions in which to write.  And since I don’t drink coffee and am easily distracted by baristas, cafes aren’t an option.  So I have to resort to drowning out the noise with my iPod.

But I can’t listen to just anything when I’m writing.  No B-52s or Squirrel Nut Zippers of Blink-182.  Nothing too distracting.  Nothing I haven’t heard a million times. And when Green Day’s “East Jesus Nowhere” from 21st Century Breakdown comes on, focusing is pointless.  I just want to hold my lighter in the air and sing along with the band.  (Yeah, I know.  Everyone holds their cell phones in the air now.  Call me old school, but holding a cell phone in the air at a concert instead of a lighter is like eating sushi at a baseball game instead of a polish sausage.)

All right, where the hell was I?  Oh yeah, playlists.  In order to drown out the vibrational dissonance of the jackhammering, I need comfort music.  It’s like comfort food, only for my ears.  Nothing heavy.  Nothing nostalgic.  No love ballads or screeching guitars or house music.  Just some of my favorite bands whose lyrics and music inspire me and that I’ve heard so many times that I can listen to the songs without getting distracted by the lyrics.

That comes to more than eight hours of Morphine, The Pixies, Sublime, The Beatles, The Doors, and, yes, some Green Day.  Just nothing from their new album.  Throw in some Booker T. & The MG’s, some surf music, and some selections from the Fight Club and Pulp Fiction soundtracks, and I’m good to go.  Cocooned in a world of inspired familiarity.

Now if only I could do something about the fact that my cat keeps sitting in front of my monitor.

Thanks to everyone who submitted an entry for the contest.  Your comments were all kind and flattering and sometimes made me blush with humility.  If the rewards of writing a novel can be measured in the words of my readers, then I would have to say I’m the richest man in town.

Although I wish I could give a book to everyone who responded, alas I have but the one copy up for grabs.  And as I mentioned, making a decision based on your comments was impossible.  So after a very scientific method of writing names on pieces of paper and drawing them out of a Peter Grimm fedora, I came up with a winner…

Congratulations to David Fooden!  You’re the proud new parent of a signed copy of BREATHERS!

Thanks again to everyone!  I hope I get the chance to meet you at a signing or a convention down the road.

Truth is, I’ve grown a bit tired of the A to Z of Breathers, which I started back on March 3 when the novel was released.  Six months later, I think I’ve exhausted most of my insight about Breathers and probably been repetitive and redundant along the way.  Plus I’ve run out of fresh ideas for the last four installments.  See?  I’m repeating myself already just in this blog.

But I couldn’t think of anything that worked for X or Y.  (Z would obviously be for Zombies, which I think I’ve talked about more than once.)  And W is for World War Z is really a bit of a stretch.  Except I figured it was relevant since Breathers was tied to it, or at least to Max Brooks, on the back cover copy of the novel.

So consider this the last installment dealing with the What, Where, Who, When, and Why of Breathers.

On the back cover of Breathers, the copy reads:

For fans of Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide and zombie aficionados everywhere…

Truth is, while I bought a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide in 2004 and read through parts of it and enjoyed the dry and amusing take on zombie preparedness offered up by Max Brooks, I never really looked at it as anything similar to Breathers.  I was more of the opinion that fans of Chuck Palahniuk and Christopher Moore would enjoy my novel, which has been confirmed by a number of readers who asked me if I’d ever read either Palahniuk or Moore.  So that makes me happy, since I consider both of them talented novelists and influential in my own writing.

However, since The Zombie Survival Guide was a widely read humorous zombie novel, my publisher thought it would make sense to tie the two together and reach out to those fans.  Several readers commented that the comparisons between the two novels weren’t really relevant, while one reader went so far as to complain about the comparison and bash me for not measuring up to Brooks’ caliber of writing in World War Z.  Which is kind of bizarre because nowhere on the cover copy does it mention World War Z.  Whatever.

Is there a point to this?  I’m not really sure.  It’s late, I have an early morning call with my editor to discuss her thoughts on my next book, and I want some Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream but my freezer only has frozen edamame and Morningstar sausage links.  So naturally, I’m distracted.

But I think where I was going with this was that I didnt’ read World War Z until after I’d finished Breathers and had a publishing contract because I didn’t want to be influenced by any zombie fiction.  And while I enjoyed WWZ and found it a compelling and fascinating read, again, there’s not really any point of comparison between my writing and that of Max Brooks.  Though I think you can be a fan of both of us and still respect yourself in the morning.

Onward…

Emily and Alex were wondering:

Do Zombies play hockey?

Why did the referee stop the All Star Zombie hockey game?  Because there was a face-off in the corner.

To be honest, this joke was originally told with lepers instead of zombies, but I thought it was appropriate here because it rings with a certain amount of truth.  Zombies playing hockey would present a number of problems, not the least of which would be body parts falling off and getting caught up in the skates.  If you’ve never seen a hockey skate slice through a detached, decomposing ear, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

There’s also the dangers of high-sticking, slashing, and spearing which, when committed on a Breather, would only yield a two-minute minor penalty.  When committed on a zombie, however, you end up with detached eyeballs, maggot spills, and prematurely evacuated body cavities.

So no, zombies don’t tend to play hockey or any other high-impact, violent sports.  But we do enjoy a good game of checkers.

Thanks for the question.

This installment of Ask Andy comes from Nicole, who asks:

What do you think of that new show, LEAVE IT TO BREATHER? The whole premise of a breather kid raised by zombies makes me a little uneasy.

Well, Nicole, I have to admit I haven’t seen the show but I would have to say that it’s unlikely the series would have a very long run.

In addition to making you uneasy, the premise is completely ridiculous.  A Breather child raised by zombies wouldn’t last past its first birthday, if that long.  The desire for human flesh would override any parental sense of propriety or responsibility and the child would likely be raised for food rather than for a future.  Small children or infants would be tender.  Like veal.

I’m thinking crispy brown Breather Schnitzel, sagey saltimobocca, or a creamy blanquette de Breather.

Thanks for the question!

Okay, so maybe the expression “in stereo” is a little outdated, but it sounded better than “in digital audio” or “now available as an MP3.”  Plus I love vinyl.  It’s the romantic in me.  So I went with the throwback version rather than cowing to the 21st century techno jargon.

Now that I’ve rambled on about not much of anything, I’ll get to the point:

Breathers is now available as an audiobook download.

That’s right.  Now you can enjoy Andy and Rita and Jerry and the rest of the Undead Anonymous crew on your iPod or MP3 player. Narrated by Kirby Heyborne, you can find the following list of download partners at Random House Audio:

Audible.com
iTunes
eMusic
Simply Audiobooks

It’s also available on Borders.com, where you can listen to a 2-minute excerpt.

So go give Breathers a listen.  And since I have no idea how to end this informative, self-serving blog post with an amusing insight or anecdote, I’ll just say, thanks for listening.

Ryan, a teenage zombie from the land of Yahoo!, asks:

As a fellow zombie, I’ve only, so far, been eating brains. I’ve lately been wanting to, uhh, expand my horizons, as it were, and I was wondering if you could recommend any of the juicier parts of the body. Thanks.

Well Ryan, personally I’ve always found brains to be a little soupy and messy and not worth the effort it takes to crack open the skull.  Plus there’s always the risk of mad Breather disease, so I tend to stick to the fleshier parts of the human body.

The main thing to remember when selecting a body part is that exercise and age toughen meat.  So using that as a guideline, the legs, neck, shoulder, butt, and flank will be far tougher than the seldom exercised rib and loin.  Old Breathers will be more sinewy than teenagers, especially the pampered ones, so it’s advisable to select a Breather that’s a couch potato under the age of 30.  Shopping in affluent neighborhoods is always a good rule of thumb, too.

My advice?  You can’t go wrong with ribs from an undergraduate at a private college.

Bon appetit!

Authors are a lot like parents when talking about their newborn published books:

When was you book born?
One month ago.

What a cute little novel? How old is it?
Fourteen weeks.

Your novel looks just like you. What’s his name?
Breathers.  He’ll be six months old next week.

Yes.  Breathers has been out for six months on September 3.  While not exactly next week, it’s close enough to throw a contest to celebrate the fact that my first novel has made it halfway through its first year of publication.

So to mark the occasion, I’m throwing a party.  Okay, really more of a contest, with the prize being a personally autographed copy of Breathers sent straight to you.  Or you.  Or you.  Plus I’ll throw in some Zombies Are People Too stickers and buttons.

All you have to do to enter for a chance to win is leave a comment to this post and mention Breathers.  Be sure to include an e-mail or link so I know how to contact you if you win.  And if you’re inclined to blog or post or tweet about Breathers to help spread the word, that would be appreciated, though it’s not a requirement to win.

Entries will be accepted until midnight PST, August 31, 2009.  I’ll announce the winner on September 3.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I smell a chapter that needs changing.

Chris, from the wide wide world of AOL, asks:

I particularly loved the references to eating your parents. Thanks for the recipe tips, but you left out one of my favorites, Momloaf. What goes in it besides Mom? Thanks!

Well, your basic Momloaf recipes are all pretty much all the same: a pound of ground Breather, 2/3 cup milk, 1/2 cup cracker crumbs, 1/4 cup ketchup, 1/2 cup finely chopped onion, 1 tsp salt, 1/8 tsp black pepper, and one egg, beaten.  Mix it all together, form into a loaf, bake in a baking dish or loaf pan at 350 degrees for an hour, then slice and serve with mashed potatoes, green beans, and a nice central coast Pinot Noir.

Some recipes call for Worcestershire sauce, sage, garlic, or dry mustard, but that’s just showing off. If you want basic Momloaf the way, well, Mom used to make, then follow the recipe above.

Just remember that when selecting what portion of Breather to use, the shoulder cut, or chuck, makes the best all around ground Breather. It has just enough fat to make it juicy and provide an excellent natural flavor. Though if you want to go for the leaner option, meat taken from the thighs, or round, is a good choice for calorie counters.

Thanks for the question!

Samantha, from the wonderful world of AOL, asks:

I don’t get the whole problem between society and zombies. Can you explain a little bit more?

Well Samantha, the problem is that society as we all know it is ruled by the living.  By Breathers.  And Breathers tend to have a thing about subjugating and suppressing those members of it’s society that they feel are inferior to them.  Unfortunately for those who are not among the living, for those of us who are reanimated corpses, we have to endure the indignities of our existence by a society that no longer considers us human.

This includes being called names, pelted with expired food products, thrown into bonfires, tied up and dragged behind SUVs, randomly dismembered by fraternities and bowling leagues, and generally discriminated against.  Not to mention all of the basic rights that we’ve lost simply because we didn’t stay dead.  It’s not our fault we became zombies.  We didn’t choose this path.  But we’re punished for it because Breathers choose to react with fear to others they don’t understand.

Yes, I know.  There’s the issue of zombies eating human flesh, but really, if you think about it, we could be a benefit to society by targeting career politicians, CEO’s of oil companies, smokers who throw cigarettes out of their car windows, rapists, murderers, pedophiles, and professional athletes who lie about using steroids.  We’re also willing to work with the local and state agencies to help cut down on the cost of incarceration for career criminals or those condemned to death. It’s a lot less expensive to feed a serial killer to a zombie than it is to give him a lethal injection.

This is Andy, your friendly neighborhood zombie, signing off.