Undead Anonymous

July 11th, 2011

I’ll be attending Comic-Con in San Diego from July 21-24 and will be appearing at the following signings and panels:

Signing: Geekscape Booth (#4016)
1:00pm – 2:00pm

I’ll have bookmarks, postcards, and a limited supply of 11″ x 17″ posters of Breathers and Fated that I’ll be giving away. While I won’t have any novels with me, feel free to bring your copy along or you can purchase one at the Mysterious Galaxy Booth (#1119)

Panel: Room 6A
1:45pm – 2:45pm

Vampires and Others – How to make a relationship work when you or your significant other lack a pulse, or face other mortal-challenged issues.

Relationship advice from: Patricia Briggs (The Mercy Thompson series), Nancy Holder (The Crusade series), Linda Thomas-Sundstrom (The Golden Vampire), S.G. Browne (Fated), Clay & Susan Griffith (The Vampire Empire series), and Christine Cody (Bloodlands).

Autograph session for the panel to follow:

3:00pm – 4:00pm
Autograph Area 8

At this point I don’t anticipate any additional appearances, so if you’re at the convention on Thursday and/or Saturday, swing by the Geekscape Booth or the panel and say “hi.”

Ask Andy – The Kitchen Sink

July 6th, 2011

Ann from the land of Gmail asks:

Andy, after losing everything for a second time, do you ever see yourself picking up the pieces (so to speak) and moving on with your “life?” Do you see yourself as a zombie activist fighting for zombie rights everywhere? Do you see yourself finding love again? Can we the people and the undead alike expect a second memoir from you in the future?

First of all, as for moving on with my “life,” that might be a little tough to do if I’m not in any condition to move. In other words, if I’m strapped down to the side of a hill in Knoxville, TN, at a field research facility dedicated to the study of human decay, then chances are my options are going to be pretty limited. So let’s just leave it at that.

And yes, I do see myself as a bit of an activist for the undead. Or at least for zombies. I don’t have time to stump for the rights of vampires and mummies and other death-challenged creatures. They’re going to have to deal with their own problems.

Will I ever find love again? I’ll answer that with a poem from Emily Dickinson:

The Heart asks Pleasure – first -
And then – Excuse from Pain -
And then – those little Anodynes
That deaden suffering -

And then – to go to sleep -
And then – if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor
The privilege to die -

As for a second memoir from me in the future? I guess that all depends on how this field research facility thing works out.

Thanks for the questions.

Ask Andy – Wine Connoisseur

June 9th, 2011

This installment of Ask Andy is brought to you by Chelsey, who asks:

So Andy, what was it like having all that wine and knowing you couldn’t really get “drunk” no matter how many bottles you drank?

To be honest, it was a little disappointing. As a Breather, I always enjoyed a good glass of Merlot or Cabernet. But when you’re a zombie, your senses tend to deteriorate, especially your sense of taste and smell. So I missed the bouquet of a good wine. And I couldn’t appreciate the subtleties and nuances between a 1982 Chateau Haut Brion Bordeaux and a 2010 Charles Shaw Pinot Grigio. They all tasted like concentrated grape juice.

But there are definite benefits of not having a functioning circulatory system. Like waking up without a pounding headache or spending half the day with my face in the toilet.

Thanks for the question!

Long Island Book Signing

June 9th, 2011

Next weekend, June 16-19, I’ll be attending the Horror Writer’s Association Bram Stoker Weekend at the Long Island Marriott Hotel in Long Island, New York. Although the majority of the weekend programming is open only to those who have registered for the convention, there will be a mass book signing the evening of Thursday, June 16th, that is open to the public.

Held in the Grand Ballroom of the Marriott, the Book Signing Meet and Greet will run from 7:00 pm to 10:00 pm. There’s no guarantee that everyone at the convention will be signing or have books for sale, but here’s a list of convention attendees. There will be a special area for Guests of Honor, which include Peter Straub, David Morrell, Gillian Flynn, Douglas Clegg, and Dacre Stoker (the great grand-nephew of Bram Stoker).

While I will be in attendance signing books, unfortunately I won’t have any copies of Breathers or Fated for sale and I can’t guarantee that anyone in the dealer’s room will have copies available. However, please feel free to bring along your copy for a signature or just stop by to say “hey.” This will be my only appearance while I’m in New York.

Hope to see you next Thursday!

Long Island Marriott Hotel
101 James Doolittle Boulevard
Uniondale, NY
(516) 794-3800 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting (516) 794-3800 end_of_the_skype_highlighting

Zombie Fiction Friday

May 20th, 2011

In honor of Zombie Awareness Month (yes, apparently, May is Zombie Awareness Month), I’ve asked Jerry from Breathers if he would like to share his thoughts on some of his favorite current zombie fiction. So without further delay, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Jerry!


Thanks dude. So to be honest, I don’t read a lot of, like, zombie fiction. Just because I’m a zombie doesn’t mean I want to read about myself. How narcissistic is that? I mean, do private investigators only read detective novels? If they do, they’re total tools.

But anyway, I have read a couple of zombie novels recently that I thought were pretty good, so here’s my take on them.

Zombie, Ohio by Scott Kenemore

This is a story about a college professor dude in rural Ohio who wakes up from a car accident to find out he’s, like, a total zombie. Only unlike the other brain dead zombies that are freaking everyone out, he’s a smart zombie. At first he doesn’t even realize he’s one of us, but when it becomes apparent, he pretty much gives in to his hunger for human burgers.

But as he becomes isolated from the humans in his life (his friend and his girlfriend, who seems totally hot), he finds himself bonding with the other zombies and leading them across Ohio in search of food and purpose. It’s pretty cool, in a funny, disgusting, existential kind of way.

The main character kind of reminds me of Andy, all philosophical and wondering about the meaning of things. Personally, I think he should just chill out and have some fun. Smoke a bowl and drink some Jack. But of course, that’s what got me here, so maybe I’m not the best one to give out advice.

Zombies and Shit by Carlton Mellick III

This is one of the most bizarre books I’ve ever read. In a good way. Funny and gross with a lot of action and hot chicks. It’s like a mixture of the zombie apocalypse, The Running Man, and a totally fucked up version of Lost. Only without Hurley.

A bunch of dudes and dudettes, like twenty of them, wake up in an abandoned building on this island that’s totally swarming with zombies. Turns out they’re on a game show. And only one of them gets to make it off the island alive. So like, one by one they each get picked off, either by the zombies or by each other. Bummer.

The book was a lot of fun, with a bunch of zombies and zombie smart cars and these mechanized zombie dogs that totally freaked me out. I liked a lot of the characters, and totally related to Scavy and Junko, but Heinz was a complete dick. Oh, and one of the characters is a cybernetic Mr. T, that dude from The A-Team. That was awesome!


Scott Kenemore is the author of the Zen of Zombie series, including The Zen of Zombie, The Art of Zombie Warfare, and Zombies vs Nazis

Carlton Mellick III is the author of numerous Bizarro novels, including Satan Burger, The Haunted Vagina, and Christmas on Crack

Ask Andy – UK Blues

May 10th, 2011

Rachel from Birmingham, UK, asks:

Andy help me! I have been reanimated on a plane going back to dear old England. I am in Birmingham in a night cafe using the Internet and I need to find my family! What should I do? Cardboard boxes are the last place I need under the Spaghetti Junction!

Well Rachel, that sounds like an unusual situation you’ve found yourself in. Reanimating on a plane is considered an international crime, so I applaud you for managing to navigate the challenges of air travel and customs in your new (and improved) state. The fact that you’ve gained access to an Internet cafe deserves applause, as well. Here in the United States, zombies aren’t allowed access to public venues, not to mention the Internet.

As for finding your family, I’m not sure I can help you with that. Perhaps it would help if you could remember where you lost them. So I’d start there. And having never been to Birmingham, I’m presuming the Spaghetti Junction you mention isn’t an Italian restaurant but rather the infamous M6 interchange. I can certainly understand your reluctance to go into hiding beneath that. But with the resourcefulness you’ve exhibited to this point, I don’t think you’ll have to resort to setting up a cardboard home.

I would suggest getting hold of some industrial strength formaldehyde to slow the effects of decomposition. If you can’t get to a mortuary, then I’d suggest consuming some of your favorite cosmetic products, common household cleaners, or Alberto VO5 Hair Conditioner. I’m not fond of the taste, but the formaldehyde content is pretty tough to beat.

Keep your chin up! And the rest of your body parts, too.

Ask Andy – Southern Hospitality

April 14th, 2011

Frank from somewhere-in-the-south asks:

What would your suggestion be to fellow zombies trying to etch out a life in the south? It’s really humid here and homeless are scarce in the country. Moonshine seems to slow the decay but it’s hard to find work when you smell like Charlie Sheen waking up in a dumpster.

Well Frank, having resurrected on the west coast, I don’t have any first-hand experience with the challenges of being a zombie in the south. But since heat and humidity tend to speed up decomposition, the first thing you’ll want to do is to get thick with your local mortician. You need industrial strength formaldehyde and you need it fast. Moonshine and cosmetic products will only go so far at warding off the rapid decay of your body. See if you can set up some kind of a payment plan if you have access to any money. Or better yet, do a trade. Maybe offer to bring him more business for a weekly formaldehyde fix.

As for employment, I don’t know about the southern states, but zombies in California aren’t allowed to hold jobs. So the best I can suggest is to find some zombie-friendly businesses and do some freelance work. Try telemarketing. Or phone sex. That way you don’t have to worry about how you smell.

If all else fails, then just embrace your zombie-ness, get yourself some cooking oil and tasty seasoning, and start chowing down on some good southern-fried cooking.

Ask Andy – Good Breathers, Bad Breathers

April 8th, 2011

Our next question comes from Lyndsay, who asks:

Have you ever had any supportive Breather experiences?

I’m presuming you mean have I ever encountered any Breathers who didn’t want to either disparage me, dismember me, or pelt me with expired food products.

If so, then yes. Most of the volunteers and staff at the SPCA actually seemed to care about their undead residents and tried to make us as comfortable as possible so we could decompose with some degree of dignity. Personally, I felt more accepted there than I did in my own home, where my father made it clear I wasn’t welcome.  Though I know my mother tried her best to love me in spite of the fact that she couldn’t stand to touch me.

Thanks for the question, Lyndsay!

Ask Andy – Zombie Day Care

April 5th, 2011

Mariah asks:

Is it possible for zombies to have kids of their own? Like you and Rita?

Yes, it is possible, but (and this is a SPOILER ALERT for anyone who hasn’t read my memoir, so fair warning) it’s only possible because of the regenerative effects of consuming Breather.  Preferably fresh Breather, with a good Italian herb marinade or a tangy teriyaki glaze.  Au jus is good, too, but you’ll want your Breather rare for that.  It gets me salivating just thinking about it.

Where were we?  Zombie children.  Right.  Sorry.  I tend to get distracted when I start getting culinary.

While it is possible for zombies to have children, providing the parents consume enough Breather to restore their reproductive organs, the child will be born needing to consume Breather in order to survive.  Otherwise, like the rest of us, the child will eventually decompose until he’s nothing but a pile of bones.  So it’s a bit of a challenge bringing a zombie child into the world, especially since most newborns aren’t supposed to eat solid foods.  And I’m thinking of just two words:

Creamed Breather.

Thanks for the question, Mariah.  Until next time…


March 28th, 2011

I’ll be appearing at WonderCon this weekend at the Moscone Center South in San Francisco for a couple of events.

April 1 – Signing
Geekscape, Booth #617
2:00PM – 3:00PM

On Friday, April 1, I’ll be signing 11″ x 17″ posters of the covers for Breathers and Fated, including the UK versions. Unfortunately, I won’t have any copies of my books for sale, but feel free to bring your copy to the Geekscape Booth (#617) and I’ll be happy to sign it.

April 2 – Interview w/ F. Paul Wilson
Room 220
2:00PM – 3:00PM

On Saturday, April 2, I’ll be interviewing F. Paul Wilson, bestselling author of The Keep, Black Wind, and the Repairman Jack Series, as well as numerous other novels, screenplays, and comic books. There will be an audience Q&A afterward.

Hope to see you this weekend!